When Travelling Down the Road to Love Perhaps It's A Good Idea To Use The Car Pool Lane

I am an old fashion kind of girl and I have old fashion ideas about love and where to find it.

First you get into the check-out line (like at the grocery store). There are those that have the "golden ticket" and find themselves in the express lane. And then there are the rest of us who have to wait in lane 4, 5, and 6 (clutching our baskets of emotional baggage. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 4!). Then when your number gets called up you smile nicely at the check-out lady, politely say thank you, collect your soul mate and quickly GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE CHECK OUT LINE. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. BE COURTEOUS. This is the law of efficiency...the more people you can get through the check- out line...the less people whine. UNICEF should start a new division and call it Hungry For Love.

And that my friend is how finding your soul mate works. The return policy is very strict, there is no budding in line, and if you ask for more than one…I will personally stone you.

So when it came to mixing technology into the equation of love I was skeptical. I still am. I mean finding lust on the interweb is easy...literally it's free, but love...that something that requires special handing when delivered. However, the times have changed. Granted we are bouncing back from the recession quite well, but what about my heart? Where is the love stimulus plan for my life? So when my friend the Fair Maiden had brought up the idea of speed dating...I laughed erroneously...then paused...then gave them my credit card number.

Let me just state before I continue on this story that this except is not about me putting myself out there for the world to tear apart. But rather my personal observation of how we as human beings put ourselves out into the universe. Will this story reap the rewards of bravery? Stay Tuned.

I signed up for speed dating for two reasons...one to find a great story and the second to see what everyone else had thought about me outside of my own orbit.  Please take this excerpt only as a funny story and not true experience of what it might be like to participate in speed dating. I didn't go there looking for love because I am truly convinced that my own path to love will lead me to someone who already exists in my life.  And that they are just being a DICK and hiding from me. 

I WILL FIND YOU AND HUNT YOU DOWN.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE.

HERE’S LAMMY! ( yes. I felt the need to go a little Shining on you guys). I am just trying to hit the point home that if I had found this special person sooner we would be like the Duggars instead of this crappy blog being my baby.

So for all of you single men out there currently in my life...I have and or will be photo shopping our faces together just to see what our future kids might look like. If the kid turns out ugly...you’re not the one for me. Don't worry I won't try to hump you at anytime during our friendship...I will use a flight simulator for that.

Back to the Story. 

While surfing the web late one night (get your mind out of the gutter...okay fine...I did...only in the name of research ) I decided to find out how technology could help me find love. So I went to the Single in the City website, gave them 50 dollars, and lied about my age (I wanted to be in the same group as my friend). And that was it...with the click of a button the world knew I was single and ready to mingle. 

Leading up to my Fast and the Furious date event, my friend the Fair Maiden, gave me a lot of good advice. Wax and/or bleach your moustache, take laxatives to lose weight, and practice flirting. Shit! I really needed my moustache...I like to stroke it intellectually while contemplating my blog. The dating website that I signed up for also sent me some advice...and a wavier ( WTF!). Here are the rules...don't talk about any criminal records, past relationships, and smile a lot. And the wavier...that was the best part...we are not liable if someone stalks you or you get in a brawl over a guy in the parking lot. 

Holy Effin Jungle Fever! I saw this once at African Lion Safari.

But just in case...I am going to shave my legs...back in 5 minutes!

Boy I am smooth ;)...or at least the lower half of my legs are. I have a pretty pink dress on and some high heels..I look like a flirt. I showed up at the Fair Maiden's house because  we planned on carpooling together ( Oh yah!! Note if you ever attempt this..go to a different city and go in a group...it's like the Jungle...strength in numbers and it’s a surprise attack).  Here is where the going gets good.  The Fair Maiden recently made it through the check- out line. Yup, someone snagged her up...What's that poem again..

Nice to look at

Precious to hold

Once their broken then their sold

The Fair Maiden is now partnered with Boyfriend Bob. So speed dating was literally irrelevant for her but like a trooper she forged on with the debacle to support her friends. Boyfriend Bob even offered to look after her kid. Have you ever heard of anything so nutty? My boyfriend is looking after my kid while I go speed dating.  If it were any other situation I most certainly would not encourage this kind of behavior. It’s called being a Greedy Gus. The Fair Maiden also brought along her friend whom I call Lucky Cathy because she is the kind of girl who makes her own luck. I certainly would not bet against her cause her business is certainly a gamble. So we all hop on the 403 or as I like to call it..The fast lane to LOVE. 

Dear city of Burlington, Lock Up Your Men! We have just set out our man traps for the night. Yes. That is exactly what I was thinking as I entered the soon to be crime scene. I say this because I am that confident that at least one of us stole a heart or two.

So here is how it this new fangled idea works. You get a sticker with your name on it, a geographic location to station yourself, and a liability form. Fantastic start! We make our way to the bar to fill out the liability form. The bartender is probably an aspiring underwear model (oh gosh big surprise) maybe he will help me fill out my liability form.  

Date: ( I am suppose to write Tuesday, May 31, 2011) Instead I write Yes and Please.

The bartender howled. Quick insert a semi colon winky face ;)

I really wanted to blurt out...Nice Shoes!. Wanna be Sole Mates?

Okay so the Fair Maiden and Lucky Cathy have done this once before so they were pros at scoping out the scene. Turns out you have to look at both the guys and the girls. Who you are up against and who you want to press yourself up against. Not to be judgmental, but nobody is going to find love tonight...at least not sober. Oh the procreation horror!

Here is the plan.

Fair Maiden: Because she is unavailable has to ask the difficult questions to help the screening process along. Example: Why are you here?  Is there something wrong with your ability to find normal people?

Lucky Cathy: get obliterated on cranberry vodka and try to get the bartender in her pants. Mission half accomplished. She passed out at the end of the night and may have gotten barf IN her pants.

Tamantha: Find great story. Hope that someone hypothetically wants to date her

So I devised a secret written language that would help me decipher what I thought about each guy. 

SW= sweaty G=gay T=toupee J= judgmental  W=why me? 

After about 5 dates and 25 minutes later I made a startling discovery. Apparently everyone has the same interests. The guy in the toupee and the stock analyst enjoyed the art of cooking. Single people enjoying cooking…sounds a little suspicious to me. Have you ever heard of Lean Cuisine going bankrupt on the news? Never! Cause where there is loneliness there is always a low calorie frozen dinner. Give it up! We know you don’t just eat one. The guy with the convertible and lisp guy both loooved Europe and golf (in the words of Goldilocks...this one is too white...this one is too rich ).  
Wow! You enjoy the adventure of the outdoors too! I also have the same interests. Do you enjoy walking out doors? (p.s. it's not a hobby..It’s a mode of transportation given to you by God) How about breathing? Do you enjoy that too? Fantastic. Let's procreate we have soooo much in common. After the first hour, I decided to get creative...I started telling people that I am a story teller. Eventually, I even revealed to the host of the event that I wasn't actually here for love but to find something good to write in my blog. His response was “but you are single right?" Oh for sure. I am legitimately single. But my friend over there isn't single anymore. She has a boyfriend. He is watching her kid tonight. Insert colon smiley face :)

 My favourite bachelor that night was none other than the Polish Prince himself. He was a treat. At this time I will need you to start reading this in your best or worst eastern European accent.

Prince: So tell me vhat is innnteresting about you, that is innnteresting toooo MEN!

Me: Oh heck, that is a stumper...honestly I don't know. My friends think I am funny. (I am surprised that this answer did not make him fall for me)

Prince: So can you describe yourself in a few words?

Me: Sure! I am funny ( as state before) I am sturdy( shit i should have used that for my first answer) I am easy going.

Prince: (this is his response to my answer) I am not stressed. I am not stressed at all. I have done this TWICE! However, I am compassionate, blah, blah I am a vegetarian.

Me: Oh that’s interesting. May I ask why are you vegetarian?

Prince: Uh Duh!...cause I am COMPASSIONATE (please not the earlier answer) I am compassionate which is why I am vegetarian.

Me: Okay. I am compassionate too. I am being compassionate right now…at this very moment.

So the night ends with the Fair Maiden and I clicking yes to all of our 5 minute suitors. You have to do this in order to find out who is interested in you. Then in a few days you will get emails from men who are interested in you. While I wait for my prince charming I will write in my blog. 

You've Got Mail. I got three responses and here they are in all their glory.

First Response

Hi Tamantha

Great we matched. You looked more than pretty in pink. Where to for us? Give me some suggestions since I am up for anything. Talk soon.

Sincerely,  Mister Sweats-A-Lot (truth be told I shoke alot of sweaty hands that night)

2nd Response

你好Tammy,

I have a confession to make… I was a little startled when I saw your last name.

You see, when I was a child and lived in Oakville my Grade 3 teacher’s name was Miss Lamb… and Miss Lamb always use to put big red X’s across every single answer I got wrong.

I have just one question I have to ask you Tammy, and please be honest with me; you don’t carry a big red pen with you, do you?

Be well,

The Silver Fox (please stay tuned to my next blog post..it will explain a lot)

I could not have scripted this any better if I had written this for a sitcom. The moment I read this part of the blog to my friend the Fair Maiden her eyeballs suddenly fell into her  lap and she howled with laughter. She got the same teacher story I did about the red pen X's from the Silver Fox, only he used her last name in lieu of mine. So naturally I emailed him back and told him I thought his 3rd grade teacher's name was Miss. (insert Fair Maiden's last name).  Silver Fox my ass...lol try Silver Dog.

3rd Response ( and my most favourite)

Hi Fair Maiden! I am the Polish Prince. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to have met with you. Thank you for your interest in me. I found your personality very charming. You clearly protruded from the crowd. I am interested in meeting you in person. Please provide me with your phone number and email me. I look forward to your prompt response. 

Oh boy did I email back...wouldn't you if a guy emailed you looking for the wrong person.

Here is his response : Hi Tamantha!  I made mistake. I apologize. Thanks for your response.  May I have your phone number please? [ go protrude yourself Prince Alarming]

So there you have it my speed dating results. And if you are wondering about the Fair Maiden she got 9 responses without trying. She is my hero. I have challenged her to a jello wrestling match to win the heart of the Polish Prince. And Lucky Cathy...well wouldn't you know it...she is headed to Las Vegas.

While speed dating is not for me, it might just be for you. I am surprised by my reactions to my speed dating experience. I came out of this experience a little fearful about the future. Even though I wrote about the hilarity of different characters, they are just human beings simply looking for someone to love. And although I am never one to worry about time, I wonder if I should start worrying. Is love just another rat race?

What do you think?

Yours in writing,

Tamantha K Lamb