For those of you who recognize the character of my first story please feel free to give him props for providing me with such humorous material. This is a true story of my teenage life no details or thoughts were elaborated.
If I ever choose to be in a romantic relationship with a woman it will be because of this real life event pushed me into it. I met Ladder Legs in the 9th grade. We both came from different school but on the same side of the city (it matters). He was tall and goofy and we became friends almost immediately. We didn’t have class together so you know that the universe had set this up. We were always meant to be friends. Ladder Legs had a friend named Steve. Steve dated my friend Lindsey. These names are not made up…I just had a lot of white friends. It was your typical high school dating style…leaning against the locker and walking around the school holding hands and flaunting it over pathetic single people. Fuck you in considerate assholes…its not my fault God gave me the gift of sight. It’s like old couples you see walking the dog on a beautiful Thursday evening holding hands. I call them Double Assholes. We get it you survived the true test of love….gravity….he he he you know what I am talking about (boobies tucked into the waist of pants) Okay no more giggles. Back to the story.
Welcome to the last day of school before Christmas break. I remember looking in my locker mirror (don’t judge it’s not vain. People need to check their nose for boogies) Enter Ladder Legs who is now standing behind me. I know its him because I can see his knees in my mirror. Did I forget to mention that his dad was probably Andre the Giant? As he folded himself in half to reach my view point he says “We should go for coffee with Steve and Lindsey sometime or maybe go to the movies to see Titanic” To this day I am convinced he was just suffering having to inhale smog at such low elevations.
Here is where I have to explain how I daft I really am. It is obvious enough to a turnip that I was just asked out. Hooray to 9th grade Tammy! Only it would have been nice for 9th grade Tammy to get a clue. I am Helen Keller’s clone. You need to physically spell it out for me in order for me to get it. It’s a medical condition. The saddest part of this story is that over a decade later I still need someone to smack me over the head when it comes to reading the signs. Don’t worry I promise not to procreate on purpose . History has taught us that if Tammy is out with you and she has her glasses on…she has no freaking idea that it’s a date.
Asians + glasses= job security. Asians+ glasses+ date= oh lord you get the picture.
Are you wondering if Ladder Legs called? Well he did…kind of…Lindsey called on behalf of him. I got the call twice. I was busy being oblivious while practicing to become a proper piano prodigy with a math degree. Christmas ended and we all returned to school. Needless to say I did notice that day that Steve and Ladder Legs were acting strange. That is until Steve and said the following string of words to me that will forever be burned into my memory. “Tammy, Ladder Legs wanted me to tell you that he doesn’t want to go out with you anymore. He is breaking up with you.”
The following is my 14 year old thought process.
HOLY FUCK TIME SPACE CONTINUM! How did I just miss out on my first high school relationship? This is bullshit…First comes marriage then comes baby…WHATEVER! First comes the dump? What the fuck was I doing while this was going on? I am a hibernating bear aren’t I? I am mortified and stunned. I have just made teenage history to be the first and only person to be dumped by a guy I didn’t even get to start dating. Dear Seventeen Magazine…you did not prepare me for his..10 ways to bedazzle shit isn’t going to help me now. I need kid's helpline. Last swear…Bullocks!( for the 18 and under crowd) Cocksuckers!( for the damaged and angry). Insert small emotional scar. To this day I am firmly convinced I will revert to this very memory when I so traumatized by men that I begin to date the crazy creature..thy name is woman.
Please keep in mind we were kids when this story happened. Don’t you remember how shy you were with the opposite gender. I am happy to report that Ladder Legs went on to become a superstar athlete in high school and university hauling in the pretty ladies by the boat load. He also has a beautiful goddess he calls girlfriend. Our friendship dissolved that day I was dumped by Steve and Ladder Legs. Me? My life is great. Soooo great I'm blogging about my hey days.lol
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A new chapter was born out of all this. Do you want to hear about it? No? Then effin leave this blog and surf for porn. I don’t care. I am going to tell you anyway.
Three years ago, I moved away from my home town in a random turn of events. Do you know who the first person I saw in this new city? Ladder Legs! I even went on to pay him to impart his superstar athlete knowledge and make me a better person. Truth time..I paid him to be my friend. I have recently stopped paying him to be my friend about a month ago. I have faith that our friendship is not based on money. I know this because he shares with me his own stories and they are a true testament of the strength and focus of his character.
We should never assume that people will stay in your life just because you are not ready. There is no need to worry though; the universe will always bring them back to you. That is if you deserve it. Always trust that the people who have been placed in your life are there for a really special reason. Give them time and space to show you something beautiful.
With Warmth,
Tamantha.
